We have moved….

Dear All,
Thanks so much for your support, guidance, and friendship which I really hope to continue outside of WordPress. All those kind souls who read, commented inside or messaged me outside of wordpress hold a cherished place in my heart.

I think it’s time to move on, Chapter 2 really has begun and whilst important, cathartic and a fab way to interact with great people, I think this blog has run it’s course…for the moment. In recognition of the need to move on, I’m creating a more positive and hopefully diverse blog on tumblr at life-reboot.tumblr.com .

I sincerely hope to see you guys over there, thanks again.

Chapter 2. New Beginnings

Mindful that I haven’t written for a little while, and prompted by today being Fathers Day, I thought I might venture to break the radio silence and write a little about what’s going on and then move on to upload some photos (my new hobby). I’ll also take to opportunity to edit some previous posts to remove the names to protect the innocent.

I know that those who have been following the blog will be pleased to know that A. is doing really really well. He is happy, settled and really into the routine of two homes and one to one parenting. He spends a huge amount of time with me, time which we both relish and enjoy. His school work is fine, he laughs and jokes and, all in all, seems content.

For myself, well there are still tears sometimes, as I’m sure is normal, but on the whole I’m doing well. Work keeps me busy, as does the compulsion for tidying which I seem to have developed. The photography keeps me busy when I have the urge, and it gives me a reason to go out. For the last six weeks or so, I have been getting better and better.

A couple of months ago, the day before my wedding anniversary in fact, I started divorce proceedings. As my wife was unfaithful, it should be pretty easy to accomplish, if hard to actually bring myself to do, but it’s moving forward.

My Mother and Father in-law have been really, really sweet and considerate, as has my Sister in-law. They all sent me birthday cards. Twice since the separation, my in-laws have invited A. and myself over for dinner and out for lunch, with no tricky silences, no awkward questions and a kind word or two. I feel privileged to know them and have to admit that I haven’t told them about the divorce. Partly because I get the impression that although they know the truth, they haven’t actually been told and the quickie divorce (i.e. not after 2 years separation) would be a bit of a give away.

Those of you who have read 0′s and 1′s will know that following the separation from my wife in January, after much soul searching and a good dose of courage, I thought I’d try to get back on the horse (as it were). Not a great idea as it turned out! Wrong person, wrong time, wrong approach or a combination of all three created a fairly spectacular catastrophe which I won’t elaborate on, but a valuable lesson learned.

Luck has favoured me along the way, I have been very lucky to re-establish contact with a trusted, valued and dear friend. We don’t talk as often as I’d like, as I seem to be so busy, but she has been fantastic.

This really is the start of Chapter 2 for A. and for me.

I truly hope that you are all well.

0′s and 1′s

For now, we exist together only in the ether,
Words spoken are simply binary, data and code,
Our feelings expressed in lovingly executed keystrokes,
With smilies showing our reactions through some network node.

I imagine you, in the real world,
Imagine the softness of your skin, the tenderness of your touch,
Contrasting our virtual, yet ‘real’ life together,
Where a single word or wink conveys so much.

Our kisses morph into a thousand 0′s and 1′s,
Passionate, lingering, reassembled into perfection by our imaginations,
Each caress, each hesitant and then hungry embrace,
Travelling at the speed of light to it’s expectant destination.

We talk of a time where bandwidth will no longer bind us,
Of a time when we will fall into each others arms and finally submit,
Of a place where we surrender our very breath and souls to each other,
Sharing moments of ecstasy in union and unison unrestrained by byte or bit.

Life’s Carousel

We sit on opposite sides of the carousel of life,
Gazing longingly at each other through the smoke and the haze,
A juxtaposition created by mistrust, engendered by strife,
Are we doomed to never touch or kiss, only ever to gaze.

The rythmn of life pounds around us, the drumming of a myriad hearts,
Flashing, strobing, writhing existence rushes on and yet darkly echoes the past,
Each too afraid to show we care, we instead just play our parts,
Perhaps when time slips by, and wounds are healed, we will silently caress, at last.

Farewell to the winter

Dew glistening on leaf and stem,
Drenching fresh, expectant buds with prismatic jewels,
Crystalline droplets of life condemn,
The barrenness of winter to a hopeless duel.

Stirring, reviving, the hedgerow awakes,
Shrill birdsong cleaving the frigid air,
Life returning to shore and to lakes,
Banishing chill darkness to its gloomy lair.

Vibrant expectancy suffuses the fields,
A promise of life, long made, and now kept,
Sunlight bathes all, as the shadows yield,
Breathing life into all that has slept.

Fresh hope, new beginnings, abound in the world,
Bringing energy and life born anew,
Our lives stretch before us as spring is unfurled,
Gifting chances to change all we knew.

Stirring the echoes…

So we can talk to each other like we always did,
I can pretend, pretend not to hate you,
We talk about everything and nothing,
Dancing over uncomfortable topics like children skipping over puddles in the rain.

We can hug and politely kiss cheeks,
It’s an empty gesture, just seeing you makes me sad,
Seeing you stirs the echoes I had incarcerated in the shadows,
Talking to you makes the memories they hold flush forth, like blood from a wounded heart.

We can sit and watch TV together,
Like a fake family, none of us truly believes, but we all play along,
We can look at each other, and one feels the anguish the other the shame,
You have someone to hold, someone to kiss, I have only our son, three nights a week.

So we can pretend, and hope it will get easier,
And perhaps we can ‘fake it, till we make it’,
We do it all to protect our son, and at least we’re united in that,
But deep beneath this calm surface, lies a beaten and broken man with no idea of which way is up.

Love’s riddle.

If one kiss could take away the pain,
If one smile could bring joy,
And a single rose bring sweetness,
For these jaded senses to enjoy.

If one silent touch brought confidence,
If one secret shared, yielded trust,
And a stolen moment of passionate fulfillment,
Could stir this shell to lust.

If a single word brought empathy,
If three words played their part,
With a breathless instant of carnal desire,
Would it mend this aching heart?

Contentment…

Contentment,
perhaps it teases from behind the veil,
So easy to say, so hard to nail,
Seeming at once a flitting butterfly on a summer flower,
and a scornful siren wielding intangible power,
Seeming only to reside with the bold and the strong,
In a unattainable clique to which we’ll never belong,
It tempts us coyly with it’s charm and allure,
and then runs as we chase, rushing headlong to shore.

Contentment,
perhaps it is not a prize earned,
or consolation in kind for lessons hard learned,
Perhaps not a scheming, deceitful beast,
but a shy, hesitant daemon awaiting release,
like an elusive shape at the corner of the eye,
or a captive eagle that longs for the sky,
Maybe hunting and chasing will not yield success,
Perhaps if we sit still, it will simply find us.

Desperately Seeking Contentment..

So Valentines is done, big sigh of relief there. Today things start over, I have Cable and the Internet at the flat, and more importantly, I have had A. with me all day today, and will have right through to Thursday morning.

We made pancakes, played games, went shopping (much to his chagrin) and have generally had fun. Tomorrow will be more fun (and no shopping). It seems that the time I spend with him becomes increasingly precious and rewarding and yeah it’s hard work sometimes…but it feels so worthwhile.

A. is still doing ok, we both cried on Sunday when I left him at his ‘other home’, I was strong for him when it counted and fell apart on the way home and that’s how it needs to be. He is happy and able to see the fun in a myriad things, and that keeps us both going. His light really is showing us both the way.

Myself, I’m in something of a transition, I no longer love my wife (or so I believe) and am yet to truly gain the feeling of friendship I was hoping to replace it with, but it will come I’m sure. The poetry is so scatter-brained right now it’s not really been worthy of committing to the blog, but that too will come. Soon I’ll be able to celebrate the good things in my life, the things I couldn’t fully appreciate from the dark place of my marriage and become content.

Contentment is now my goal and ambition, not just for me but for those around me too, it seemed elusive for so many years and now without the rose tinted blindfold, I see why. Things are looking up, it’s still early but some kind of emotional spring approaches after a long and bitter winter and with it come new hopes, desires and most of all a fresh start.

Perhaps we are all in search of contentment, call it what you will, so easy to say and hard to nail.

Valentines Day Wish

Well, here it comes. Valentines Day. I loathe it, particularly this year. 12 years ago, on Valentines eve I found out that my wife was having an affair…she ended it but just before I found out she had an abortion to shed what turned out to be her lovers child. Since that Valentines, I have had a real distaste for it.

This year, I’m spending the day with A. and the evening with A. and my wife or is that ex-wife – going over for dinner. How odd life has become.

So, all those looking for love, and celebrating love have my very warmest wishes. For myself, I’m hoping for a non-event this year and to simply bask in the love of my Son.

Moving forward, I would so love to meet someone who can put the magic into Valentines. I have a friend who I wanted to meet up with, she’s sweet and lovely and would have loved to go out, but it’s too soon, or I’m too scared or maybe both. So we missed out. I hope she doesn’t think badly of me.

Good luck to you all, I sincerely hope love finds you wherever you are.

Out of the void

His love shines on all that I do,
Words and gestures sweet and true,
Yet his lingering sadness breaks my heart,
Tear tracks fresh while we’re apart.

Treasuring every moment shared,
Wishing that somehow his heart could be spared,
He pretends not to notice that deep down I’m sad,
We tell each other, I’ll always be his Dad.

Making the most of the time as it flies,
We play games, watch TV, watch the world go by,
We hug and say it will be easier soon,
Sometimes, we sob as we hug in his room.

Always hard to say goodbye,
Tears well, heart swells, mustn’t cry,
His warm cheek against mine,
It never seems enough time.

As I walk home the darkness descends,
A smothering, choking, torment without end,
My thoughts turn to lives just destroyed,
As despair pulls me into the void.

Now, as I sit here forlorn and lonely,
He steals into my thoughts bringing energy,
His zest, his love, his joy, his smile,
Pull me out of the void, make life feel worthwhile.

Oh sweet, loving, precious son,
We have many, many years to come,
Many hugs, and happy times,
We’ll get through this and we’ll be fine.

Every day moves me closer to the sunrise…

Well, I know I have been very remiss in keeping the blog going…not much of a defence, but there is no internet at the flat until next week. Although this really is just an excuse, things have been so tough, I haven’t wanted to reach out to anyone.

The move itself was perfection, years of project management finally paid off, three deliveries (two lots of new furniture and food) all delivered within 90 minutes of getting the keys, then the bulk of my belongings moved over in about 2 hours. Unfortunately, I forgot all of the clothes hanging in the wardrobe and various other bits..but hey there was a lot going on.

Our flat is great, bigger than my ‘oh so hazy’ recollection and remarkably liveable now, the addition of a little mood lighting etc. has worked wonders. It took a few days of unpacking, flat pack building and general ‘tarting about’ to get it up to looking less like a recycling centre and more like an abode. Damn, I even sewed my own net curtains..how domesticated am I?

A. has been great, he stayed over last Wednesday and again from Friday evening until Sunday evening. We had a great time, he was so excited on Wednesday he could hardly contain himself, bless his little heart. Over the weekend, we played all sorts of games, hugged and generally had so much fun. He only cried twice, and the first time I have to admit that I started him off, and the second time was when he sat me down for a ‘mano a mano’ chat to tell me how much he loves me and that it will never change. Other than that and a few teary phone calls at odd hours, he has been so strong and positive. He really is the light in my life, I feel so blessed to have such a lovely, caring and emotionally intelligent little boy. He makes the sun rise and my heart swell with pride.

For me, emotionally, it’s been really quite up and down, some days are quite positive while others feel bleak, lonely, cold and painful. The betrayal still hurts, I miss my wife terribly although I know that leaving was the best thing to do. At the moment, I wish that I had told A. the whole truth, partly because the feelings of understanding and empathy for my wife have ebbed away to be replaced with a deep resentment for the wasted years, tears and the erosion of all that I once valued. On reflection, part of my previous statement is untrue, the last nine years have not been wasted…they gave me a chance to build an enduring relationship with A., who is the reason I stayed with my wife anyway.

As for the betrayal, it will diminish in time, but it has a habit of bringing up memories from the last affair 12 years ago, including the one where I am sitting in a rainy car park crying bitterly after my wife had an abortion to shed her lovers child. The cyclic ironic nature of life meant that, when my wife announced this affair, that same car park is where I ended up as it is on my tear clouded route to work.

A. is staying over tonight and came over for a short while last night. Time spent with him is so precious and although it always has been, it now feels priceless. Saying goodbye is so hard to do for both of us, and I guess shows our devotion to each other, but it will get easier when we establish a routine. Most of the time he laughs and smiles and plays like he always did, but the subtle change is that now, he turns his bright, knowing, blue eyes to me to see if I am happy too, it’s been a long time since I had to fake it for so long.

There are still all sorts of things to sort out, finances being one minefield which I am still trying to navigate for all three of us, although the temptation to leave my wife to it is almost irresistible. If it wouldn’t adversely impact A.’s standard of living, it really would be irresistible. – Bitterness has certainly crept in the fill the void left by love’s departure.

Tuesday next week sees the installation of cable and broadband at the flat, and this will be the start of normal life. This has been a terribly rambling account, and I apologise for that and for the poor composition, I didn’t realise half the stuff in this piece until I thought about it now.

Each day is a chance to move on, to move forward and to shed the soiled and tattered husk of what my life had become. Every instant spent with A. is a moment to treasure and every second that passes brings me closer to seeing him again. Every day moves me closer to the sunrise, and further from the dark, creeping cold of the night.

Thanks again to all who have wished us well on here, to those kind souls who have sent words of encouragement on Twitter, to those who have kept us in their thoughts and to those who offer wordless and SMS support everyday. Thank you all.

Moving on then

Well, A. has been fantastic this week. Really positive, if a little subdued and more cuddly and loving than ever. He really is a shining star in an otherwise inky sky.

Moving out on 1st February, and I can’t wait. It’s been eleven weeks and two days since the dark revelation and it feels like forever. But soon, I can move out and on.

It seems that I’ve got to a point where my feelings for my wife have waned, whilst the pain has not. It’s making it really hard to focus on being friends, after all friends don’t hurt each other like that, so things are a little strained, but we’re doing ok.

Painful as all this has been, I have learnt alot about myself, my emotions, the effect I have on others and about A. and I really feel ready to let go and move on as I know that he will always love me, and that I can make it all ok for him.

I shall miss my wife, the happy times we had, and the love we shared, but life can’t stand still and I can’t simply be the victim forever so, hard as it is, it really is time.

I’ll try to write some happy poetry soon, although for now, falling in love us not on the list.

Thanks so much to those who have helped, guided and supported me, you all have a special place in my heart.

The power of positivity

Well, after much discussion and soul searching on Friday night, we agreed that I would still tell A. and that we would try to not tell him the whole truth. Although I was reluctant as it seemed that he may not think our reasons serious enough to warrant me leaving, and may then think that I was abandoning him without a thought, I agreed to mask the truth about the ‘other person’ to try to avoid damaging my wife’s relationship with him.

Woke up angry Saturday morning, but calmed down after a while and a hug. We got dressed, had breakfast and then all lay on the bed to talk.

I told A. that we both love him so very much and that he is the most important person in the whole world. As we lay there, I told him with a quivering voice that “Mummy and Daddy don’t make each other happy any more, and that we just want to be really good friends”. He wailed and cried inconsolably, I was so choked with tears, I could hardly speak but then he stopped and we talked a little more.

He listened intently as I said that we all need to be happy and that the best way for us all to be happy is if Mummy and Daddy are happy so we are about to start a new adventure together with him living with Mummy at the house and with me at a new flat which is really close. At this point he cried and sobbed like I have never heard before and it broke my heart. After a lot of hugs, he stopped crying and we talked about all the good things that we could do and reassured him that we would always be there for him and he became quite enthusiastic about what is now known as ‘our flat’, really seeing the benefits to all of us.

When I gave him his first ever mobile phone saying that now he could talk to either of us at any time, he was in rapture and really animated and excited about the whole thing.

For me, it is the very hardest thing I have ever had to do, and something I would never want to do again, the feeling of causing so much heartache is something that will stay with me forever. For A. it spelt the end but also a beginning and that is so important.

There have been some tears and sadness since, and that is to be expected and surely, there will be more on all sides, but right now it seems that in being positive about what is to happen, we may have spared him the worst of the pain.

He may slowly realise what he will be missing, but I sincerely hope that we can replace those things with others that will bring him equal pleasure and security. Hopefully, his enthusiasm will be there to pull me through this too. He turned to me on Saturday afternoon and said ” Dad, I think that it’s good that you’re moving out, you need to be happy”. I nearly went to pieces, but held it together and gave him the biggest hug I could. He really melts my heart sometimes.

In all honesty, I can’t begin to convey how proud I am of him and the way that he has handled it so maturely and positively perhaps we ‘grown-ups’ could learn a thing or two from our children.

Silent prayer

I say this silent prayer as you lay sleeping in the next room
The special time you have when you go to bed, you chose to spend doing a drawing to give to me
I love it, it shows all that is important in my life with a simplicity that has no equal
You told me tonight, that you cried yesterday, cried because I wasn’t here when you got home from Cubs last night
I pray that you will not cry each night when I am not here, for I know that I surely will.

I cannot fully explain why things must change so
What I must do, is not out of an absence of love, but rather too much love
I love your mother as much as ever, and although we still share a house and a bed, I miss her
When I look at her, the pain within me seems like it may tear my heart from my chest
When I think of her with someone else, sadness, regret and despair crush me and I cannot go on.

When I look into your blue eyes, I see only love and boundless devotion
And this I cherish, with all that I am, I love you more than life itself
And when life hasn’t seemed worth living, the thought of you has made me carry on
I know that you will be hurt, but know that there is no more I can do to stop this happening
All your life, I have fought to protect you from pain
And now it will be those you love the most that will finally break your sweet, carefree, fragile little heart.

Please do not think that it is your fault, or that I am leaving you
Please remember always that I love you, and will always be there for you
Your smile and laugh are like the moon and the stars to me
And I hope to hear your laughter echoing in my new life
Please forgive me for breaking your heart, please forgive us both
And know that I will always be your Dad and that one day, we will be happy again.

The time draws near

Well, this weekend is it. Saturday morning, I have to tell A. that I’m leaving. I’m pleased we left it until closer to the time, however tempting it has been to get it over with.

Still don’t know what to say, and how to keep it as positive as possible. How to avoid making anyone look like the villain of the piece is really playing on my mind too. It will come when the time comes, I’m sure.

Can’t begin to convey what I feel, the sadness, the fear and the deep regret are approaching the point where I don’t feel able to cope with them.

People have been so lovely and kind, they really have helped me to even get to this point. My wife has proven herself time after time to be a great friend, and I am so thankful for that, and that’s part of the reason I worry so much about telling A..

Moving out will be something of a relief, and although I will deeply miss those I love, at least I can start to rebuild and move on. So that will be my focus when this weekend is done.

Thank you all for your support, you know who you are. Know that I appreciate you all and all that you do.

Go, I beseech you

Your shadow looms over all that I do,
All that I treasure, all that I knew,
It darkens my daytime, erasing the years,
It covers my face, but at least masks my tears.

Your presence waits in in the corners of my mind,
Lurking in memories and thoughts undefined,
It skulks in my daydreams with fel intent,
It laughs at me mockingly, leaving me spent.

Your influence spoils all that’s precious and sacred,
Leaving the fruit of my love gnarled, warped and tainted,
It poisons the minds and the thoughts of those dear,
It seeps into everything that I revere.

Dark stranger, third person, only welcomed by one,
Your existence destroys me, blocks out my sun,
I know it was not you that courted the sin,
But go, I beseech you,
Who invited you in?

Twilight

Twilight, dusk, the time of transition,
When the warmth begins to ebb,
When day and night reach their juxtaposition,
And the spiders of night start their web.

Night, cold, dark and forbidding,
Steals into our refuge of light,
Doubt, sadness and tears come unbidden,
And our darkest fears take flight.

Dawn, fresh, crisp and divine,
Brings warmth, and the world back to life,
Dancing sunlight and hope combine,
And banish the darkness and strife.

Day, blue skies, glowing sun,
Breeze kissing trees, lakes and grasses,
Children frolic, playing games, having fun,
Unaware of how the time passes.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I decided not to comment, and simply to leave this as a fairly happy poem.

Mirrors

Are we simply a mirror for the feelings of others,
An empathetic looking glass,
Are we the glittering sand that smothers,
The flames of their troubled past.

Are we the darkness that dwells within,
Or the light enveloping us in its radiant caress,
Are we the dust motes dancing in,
The sunlight of other’s success.

Are we simply the echo of distant tears,
Or the whispered promise of satisfaction,
Are we our words spoken down the years,
Harsh or sweet, all beyond retraction.

Are we not all we wanted to be,
And are we not all the above,
Are we not our master of destiny,
A magician in search of a dove.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Can we really be sure of who we are? So often, we judge ourselves on the reactions of others or the fear of their reactions, some we value, some are fools and can we always tell which. Perhaps we are the only one we should worry about.

Recently, in my search for solace, I have found that the influence others can have on you can be very profound, and not always positive. It seems easy to inherit mindsets from others, mindsets which ordinarily, you wouldn’t allow yourself to entertain, and to then apply this alien thinking to your own life.

Are we a mirror for the feelings of others? Only if we allow it.

He thought…

He thought he held her love in his hands,
Enduring, everlasting and warm,
He thought he held happiness in his hands,
The certainty of time to come, never forlorn.

He thought he held her heart in his hands,
And she cradled his in her heart,
He thought he held their life in his hands,
Forever till death do us part.

He thought he held all hope in his hands,
Burning bright, clear, like a beacon,
He thought he held devotion in his hands,
Like the boundless love of his son.

Yet all at once the sun starts to set,
As she plunges the knife in his chest,
He feels life and love ebbing away,
Sees the shadows as they coalesce.

As the sun sets, it all slips from his grasp,
Pulling hope and happiness with it,
Her lies, her deceit and betrayal slay him,
Leaving his dark heart, forever unlit.

Written in response to:
Stories without words Day 43